I wrote this out the other day. It helped me clear my head. I didn’t want to share it with anyone. But I think maybe God said to share it anyway. : ) I don’t know why yet...But I do pray He uses it to His glory.
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I cried myself to sleep last night.
I’ve never wrestled so hard with writing and sharing something as I have this.
I wanted to share that the struggle is real. The last two months have tested my faith in new ways.
I want you to know that if you’re going through a hard time in your life....
I see you. I really see you. I sympathize in whole new ways now.
Last year was probably the one of the toughest years of my life. I’ll spare the details, but I went into 2021 with no expectations. Zero. But I was hopeful!
The end of February I started not feeling right. After a knock to the head that really was trying last summer, I wondered if this now had anything to do with that.
Truth is, I still don’t know.
Fast forward to this past month.
I have been to the ER twice. Tons of bloodwork, tests, scans, an MRI and I still have no answers.
And I still don’t feel great.
I haven’t driven myself anywhere in almost 2 months. I haven’t fed cows in 3 weeks. I haven’t been a part of calving. I haven’t done the night check. I missed bible study. I’ve called for Mom & Dad in the middle of the night. I spent sleepless nights on the couch with Dad sleeping nearby because falling asleep was scary. I’ve been on a heart monitor for 2 weeks. And I’m still not sure what is going on. I’ve had friendships tested because I wasn’t present. I haven’t been able to plan ahead and still don’t know if I can make one of my best friends wedding and wear the dress I bought.
Can’t say that was all the reasons for being overwhelmed last night. But it was a good share of it.
I’ve prayed. I’ve waited. I’ve prayed. And I’ve prayed. And I cried a couple times.
I told God that if He didn’t want to give me answers to what was causing this and why so many things seemed to be going wrong at the same time... then I would be ok with that. I didn’t need to know. I’d love to. But I gave it to the Lord and I trust Him for healing.
I claimed a song back a few months ago and a line in it has now become very real to me. “More than answers, more than healing, God Your presence is enough.”
It’s been a learning process, but I’m claiming that.
God also gave me a verse last night that I have always loved, but there was a part in it that I didn’t fully understand until now.
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. ~James 1:2-4
“The testing of your faith produces patience.”
I get that now.
I’m thankful for the new ways that I can now relate to others and try to encourage others in ways that I had not experienced before.
Before this I had hardly been to a Dr. (aside from a couple broken bones:) ) let alone the ER. (Where all pride disappears when wheeled through those big doors lol)
I never understood the “searching for answers in so much waiting and unknown” as I do now. I can sympathize with those with non visible sicknesses. The ones you can’t put a cast on. And I feel in a new way for those with the ones that can be seen as well!
I don’t know what you’re going through right now.
But I write this to let you know I care. I see you. I see the struggle. Life isn’t always “Selfies with coffee in hand and a filter to cover the blemish”. And I think it’s ok to show the real hard and painful side too.
I also share this to say that “God is big”. He is very real! Even though I have felt His silence in the past several months, I have felt His hand of mercy holding me tight and catching those tears I cry when no one is around. I’ve seen Him in the little things and for those moments I am so grateful. It’s testing my faith. It’s growing my patience.
I don’t know what you’re dealing with right now. Maybe it’s the death of a family member or dear friend. Maybe it’s a health problem. Maybe it’s unexplainable dead calves this Spring that you couldn’t save. Maybe it’s a broken relationship and lost friendships. Maybe it’s wondering how to pay the bills. Maybe it’s trying to figure out the next step in life. Maybe it’s wondering if you should keep the cows or keep waiting for rain. Maybe it’s....???
Wherever you are...Keep Pressing on.
Keep trusting. Keep praying. He Knows. He cares. And He loves.
Let this trial draw you closer to the God Who sustains and Who’s strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. Let your faith be tested, but not thrown by the wayside. Come forth from the fire as gold. Knowing more than ever that God. Is. Good. And then tell everyone.
Send me a message of any ways that I can pray for you today. I would love to do that.
You know what else is kind of encouraging?
Jesus cried too.